so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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