Cold hands, warm shart.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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