Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
