Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
