Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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