I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
