There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
