Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
