dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
