I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
