life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize