So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
