Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
