I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
