she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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