Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
