I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
