I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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