just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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