Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i think im in europe. pls send help
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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