You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
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NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
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No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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