4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Having a random hookup so left but love u
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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