he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
