so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
