I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
