Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
