i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Drake has all the answers
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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