Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
