just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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