Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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