I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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