sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
