I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
