Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
