I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
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about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
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There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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