this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
