i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Randomize
