We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
