yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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