I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
