Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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