After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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