I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
