I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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