I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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