I think my fart just growled at me.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
