I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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