I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
