How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
