Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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