Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My feet surprised me
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