dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
