haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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