I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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