I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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