on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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