If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
