Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
