I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
