Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
