i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
