I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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