Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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