i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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